A Tribute to Henny Youngman

  • Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her,"You did it last week!"

  • A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

  • The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

  • A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

  • A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

  • "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

  • The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

  • You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

  • A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

  • My brother bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go "Crick".

  • My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

  • I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

  • My wife has a black belt in shopping.

  • My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

  • My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

  • 2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

  • On his 91st birthday, Henny Youngman summoned reporters for a reading of his Last Will and Testament. "To my nephew Irving, who still keeps asking me to mention him in my will: 'Hello, Irving!' " it read.