A Tribute to Henny Youngman
- Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New
York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't
do that!" I told her,"You did it last week!"
- A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he
gave him another six months.
- The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs.
Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
- A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
- A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I
want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
- "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
- The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
- You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
- A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the
garage door goes up.
- My brother bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go "Crick".
- My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army.
The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
- I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
- My wife has a black belt in shopping.
- My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
- My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only
this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
- 2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
- On his 91st birthday, Henny Youngman
summoned reporters for a reading of his Last Will and
Testament. "To my nephew Irving, who still keeps asking me to
mention him in my will: 'Hello, Irving!' " it read.