If there were a Goldman Sachs conspiracy, then there would be a Goldman Sachs SECRET HANDSHAKE. Some stupenagles call the handshake to the left the Goldman Sachs handshake (HaHaHa), when any fool knows that that's the JPMorganChase handshake! Which means there is no Goldman Sachs handshake and therefore no conspiracy.
I'm in a devil of a fix!
Satan makes me believe in almost all conspiracy theories that come along--as long as they come from reputable people.
Now, the devil doesn't look like the bird-creature-consuming-humans that you see to the right. Satan looks like this.
Granted, when Satan tempted early Christian saints she took on the semblance of a male--because Bible pictures were still strictly PG13 at that time. So she kept it strictly porno-free for the first couple centuries.
So what's wrong with believing in conspiracy theories, you ask, don't some of the best and brightest--like Bill O'Reilly, Karl Rove, Rush Limbaugh, Mike Huckabee, and Sean Hannity believe in conspiracy theories?
Yes, Satan makes the conspiracy theories of guys like Sean Hannity and Dick Morris darn appealing, even overwhelmingly convincing.
Rush Limbaugh also got ahead of the field with his own pre-election conspiracy theory.
Mike Huckabee, a newbie on Fox News, offers his own newly minted conspiracy theory about economic terrorism!
Now, having seen some of the reputable, indisputable conspiracy theories of these distinguished thinkers, we can next take a look at what I like to call the "tin-foil hat" conspiracy swindles. It's these bleeding-heart liberal conspiracy nuts that give us respectable conspiracy theorists a bad name.
"Tin-Foil Hat" Conspiracy Swindles
The most ridiculous conspiracy theory is the Goldman Sachs conspiracy fraud, perpetrated by such nuts as Congressperson Maxine Waters, Ben Stein, Congressman Dennis Kucinich, the New York Times, and a member of my non-immediate family who shall remain nameless. As an unusually intelligent reader, you no doubt immediately saw through that preposterous, absurd hodge-podge of lies and false accusations when you linked out to it (above).
Now we'll examine some of the unimpeachable, incontrovertible evidence against it.
"'It's preposterous and laughable to say that we're involved in a conspiracy theory 1 with certain select groups of clients to try and take down a firm on Wall Street that we actively did business with every day of the week,' explained Goldman Sachs co-president Gary Cohn, in a recent interview. 'I need these guys to survive.'"
To be absolutely, positively sure there isn't any Goldman Sachs conspiracy, you merely have to ask an objective observer such as Bruce Watson, an investment analyst with wwwBloggingStocks:"Of course, this scenario [Goldman Sachs conspiracy] is ridiculous and far-fetched. First off, the current evidence suggests that Wall Street is incapable of predicting that the sun will come up tomorrow, much less foreseeing a major meltdown two years in advance of its occurrence. Beyond that, I'm sure that there is no way that the Secretary of the Treasury could possibly be so utterly treacherous, so completely perfidious."
My Two Favorite Conspiracy Theories
I am particularly fond of the hallucination that there was a divine conspiracy to create a worldwide economic collapse to ensure that Barack Obama was elected president.
A special favorite in the conspiracy theory category: It's The End of the World As We Know It. (and I feel fine)
This video reveals the close connection between Satan and conspiracies.
1 Note that Mr. Cohn denies that Goldman Sachs is involved in a conspiracy theory. Whether they are involved in a conspiracy, he leaves for us to conjecture.
Updates and Conspiracy Theory Watch:
- Get rid of your toxic US currency.
- Goldman Sachs is using your tax dollars to prop up the stock market.
- View one of the dreaded conspiracy theory terrorists in action