How To Become A Modern Guru

Ch. 26
Allowing Billionaires to Be Initiated
Into the Super-Smartness

"If your conduct is determined solely by considerations
of profit you will arouse fierce resentment."


During one of my twice-weekly daily meditation sessions, while ruminating on my totally poverty-stricken financial state, I suddenly experienced A Start: the unpleasant realization that No-one--not A single person--was signing up for any of my Programmes, Seminars, or Coaching Sessions through my Web Site. Not a Soul!

As so often happens in such moments of Lucidity, Inspiration, and Hysteria, my brain whomped up a brilliant new Scheme for Getting Rich Fast!

I should target my pitches to a totally New Target Audience: Billionaires.

No, I'm not forgetting that you people Lusting to Become a Modern Guru are the Target Audience of this Remarkable Book: How to Become a Modern Guru!

Don't panic, I'm sharing with you people what I came up with in my own Modern Guru Practice so that you can also use these dodges in your practice. Let's keep things straight here!

The Scheme, {"Should you decide to take this assignment, Mr. Phelps"--my subconscious seemed to be whispering}, is to sell some billionaires 1 on the idea that their current Total Control of all Political and Economic and Sports Systems throughout the Entire world Might, just possibly Might, someday Soon begin to come to An End.

And then quickly, the second and essential part of the scheme: convince them that you--the 2 Modern Guru--will (for a price) help them to train for a New Gig:

The Esoteric Order

Now all this, I'm aware, sounds mighty swell to you people obsessing over setting up Successful Modern Guru Practices in such places as Enid, Oklahoma or Tucson, Arizona, I know. But it's never enough to have Brilliant and Astounding Flashes of Genius. You've also got to do some Marketing Research on your new Schemes to see if they might possibly work.

For my market research, I went to an Internet Web Site where I knew a few Elite Cabal Wannabees lurked: the Jim Rinse Web Site. Sure enough there were several persons there pretending that they knew such Big Wigs as members of the Rockefeller Super-Clan or had been invited to the Cabal's annual orgy at the Bohemian Grove. So I sent these persons my New Super-Smartness Pitch via email spam.

Billionaires, when the Masses
Come After You With Torches and Pitchforks, You'd Better Be Ready With a New Gig!

Train Now to Become Part of the New Esoteric Order of Super-Smartness!

Heed This Warning Now!

"The rule of the Inconscient [stupid capitalists] will disappear: for the Inconscience [stupidity] will be changed by the outburst of the greater secret Consciousness within it, the hidden Light, into what it always was in reality, a sea of the secret Superconscience. A first formation of a gnostic consciousness and nature will be the consequence."

           From a Highly Evolved Super-Smart Elite-Man 3

Several of the Capitalist Elite Pretenders replied to my email Invitation with disrespectful rejoinders such as this: "I don't see any torch and pitchfork uprisings on the horizon at all. And I certainly don't think you could train me in Super-Smartness, since I am already Super-Smart."

Fortunately, I was ready for this. So I sent them this Dire Warning in another email:

Commonwealth Society Will Replace Capitalist Dictatorship

"A dominant principle of harmony would impose itself on the life of the Ignorance; the discord, the blind seeking, the clash of struggle, the abnormal vicissitudes of exaggeration and depression and unsteady balance of the unseeing forces at work in their mixture and conflict, would feel the influence and yield place to a more orderly pace and harmonic steps of the development of being, a more revealing arrangement of progressing life and consciousness, a better life-order. A freer play of intuition and sympathy and understanding would enter into human life, a clearer sense of the truth of self and things and a more enlightened dealing with the opportunities and difficulties of existence. Instead of a constant intermixed and confused struggle between the growth of Consciousness and the power of the Inconscience, between the forces of light and the forces of darkness, the evolution would become a graded progression from lesser light to greater light; in each stage of it the conscious beings belonging to that stage would respond to the inner Consciousness-Force and expand their own law of cosmic Nature towards the possibility of a higher degree of that Nature."

From a Highly Evolved Super-Smart Elite-Man

    Lo and Be-Hold, One of the three Capitalist Elite Pretenders (pictured to the left) replied, signing up for my training program. Evidently, he had been playing with a Ouija board recently and his late-departed mother (for whom he had a strong Oedipus attachment) had told him something similar to my Dire Warnings. He remained in the program for quite some time (three weeks), so I was able to make a few bucks with which to Initiate the second Planned phase of my new Super-Smartness Ploy (even with the expense of replying to one or two of the summonses from the student's lawyers demanding a refund of his money).

Phase II of my "Allowing Billionaires to be Initiated into The Super-Smartness" Scheme, was to go after The Big Billionaires (pictured below).

I sent each of these Big Billionaires exactly the same Come-On I had sent Frederich Humperdick (the name of my first SuperSmartness client). And was I surprised at the response!

Representatives from the FBI, the NSA, the Army, the local police, and the Better Business Bureau (4 and 1/4 of which are pictured to the right) all showed up at my door--within two days of my mailing my Come-On to the Big Billionaires!

I interviewed the people from the FBI and the NSA (eight in all) at the same time, since that seemed a saving of time. I first joked with the NSA that I knew their initials stood for No Such Agency (showing them that I was not above a bit of TomFoolery). I thanked them all for their interest in my Programme, then asked which of the Big Billionaires was going to be signing up, since I supposed that they were there to check out security arrangements before the Big Billionaire showed up for the first lesson of my Programme.

   Fortunately, I had taken the precaution of having my attorney in attendance when I spoke with all these people--and had instructed her to videotape the proceedings. When the FBI and the CIA threatened to seize all my records--and My Person (pictured left), I calmly replied that "No, they were not." and indicated that my attorney was recording everything being said and would make all this available to any Court of Law. The most bothersome of the interlopers (as they all turned out to be) were the three representative from the Better Business Bureau who kept trying to get me to sign up for their programme.

Finally, after my attorney obtained an injunction from a local judge against all and sundry of these uninvited guests, things returned to normal and I was able to get back to planning the Next Phase of my Super-Smartness Scheme.

Fortunately, Not One of the Big Billionaires (pictured quite some space above) signed up for my Programme--and I was relieved, since dealing with their representatives was way too much pother for me! So I re-thought my Marketing Strategy and decided I'd go back to my earlier Target Audience: average, ordinary stupid people who are impressed with the idea of becoming a Modern Guru.

And now I had an Astounding new marketing Tool: the hour-long video my attorney had taken of the FBI, the NSA, the Army, and the Better Business Business Representatives!

My attorney (who was one of my students and was working "on trade"--pictured right) and I placed the Astounding Video on YouTooTube and the Video instantly Went Viral! 4

On my Special Website, I placed this New Ad:

When I made my Modern Guru Super-Smartness Programme available to Big Billionaires (pictured below), their Representatives Immediately came to Check Me Out {as you can see in the Viral Video made available to you on YouTooTube (URL designated)}.

You Too Can sign Up for the Modern Guru Super-Smartness Programme, In which Big Billionaires (pictured above) have shown such Stupendous Interest!

Out of the multitude of persons immediately showing interest in the Programme (43), several made such Irrelevant remarks as: "The people in the video seem to be interrogating you, not 'showing an interest' in your programme."

But, fortunately, a significant number (6) Did apply for the Programme, so I was Off and Running again as I had been in the HeyDay of my Practice as a Modern Guru.


1 I first thought of making this pitch available to Millionaires, but the few millionaires I've actually known didn't seem intelligent enough to Comprehend this New Contrivance of mine; they just seemed like greedy, immoral, stupid sociopaths. Now, I know that billionaires have the same basic character characteristics, but they also have a lot more money, which means they've spent their Entire Lives doing nothing but destroying working class people to get their billions, which means they're also Super Stupid. Super Stupid was the Chief Target Characteristic of my Target Audience Marketing Plan.

2 At the time (1976) I considered myself THE only Modern Guru, because I had not yet deigned to write a book which would allow other persons (buyers of the book) to join the Immortal Ranks of Modern Guruhood.

3 Note, readers/students/Modern Guru Aspirants--you do NOT give the actual name of the person you're quoting (in this case Aurobindo Ghose), because vague, over-inflated designations such as "Highly Evolved Super-Smart Elite-Man" are much more of a come-on than a mere actual name.

4 Wikipedia maintains that a "viral video is a video that was created and becomes popular through the process of Internet sharing, typically through video sharing websites, social media and email. Viral videos often contain humorous content . . ." As usual, Wikipedia got it wrong. A viral video is a video that gets over 1,000 hits within one day. The video my attorney and I posted on YouTooTube received 1013 in one day!