To realize that our knowledge is ignorance
This is a noble insight
To regard our ignorance as knowledge
This is mental sickness
Lao Tzu
Pulled by contradictory feelings, Ben nevertheless continued to study the writings of Franklin Cartwright. The nineteen books Cartwright had published were of many different kinds: compilations of stories, teachings about philosophy and psychology, narrative biographies of Perennialist luminaries, and a history of Neo-Platonism. Ben also read the articles and humorous segments on Cartwright's Web site.
His reading convinced him even more that Cartwright was in touch with a genuine tradition. For decades he had studied the works of so-called spiritual masters from Hinduism, Zen, Christian mysticism, Buddhism, trance mediumship (channelling), occultism, and shamanism, among others.
He had found a distant voice of truth in a few Zen stories, he felt the life of Francis of Assisi echoed to a deeper mysticism, and he believed that Carlos Casteneda had somehow come in touch with a living teaching. But Casteneda's books, as with those of Colin Wilson, Alan Watts, Paul Brunton, and Ernest Holmes, and the like, seemed to Ben only to speak about a higher spiritual state of being, not actually being able to assist a person to attain a heightened consciousness.
Ben's earlier explorations in "experiential religion," as he called it, had convinced him that the doctrines and rituals of the world's religions contained nothing living in them--mere shells of something that had once contained a vital spark.
As he studied Cartwright's works, he discovered completely new ideas about religion and spiritualism--beyond anything he had found through his own research. And as he read Cartwright's books, he began to realize that his whole perspective was broadening. There were no psychic flashes or astonishing inner messages, but he was slowly beginning to understand that his earlier ideas about the spiritual world were inadequate. That, Ben said to himself, is at least something. Better to know that I don't know about these spiritual dimensions than fool myself into thinking I already understand them.
Earlier, Ben had decided to write to Cartwright and ask if it would be possible to study with him in some way. Several weeks later, Ben had received the short note from one of Cartwright's associates suggesting that Ben study a book, now out of print, by Medard Boss, entitled A Psychiatrist Discovers India. Cartwright's associate suggested that Ben write down the parts of the book that seemed to him to be most significant, including the parts in which Ben's state of mind and Boss's seemed to correspond. Ben was to send the analysis to a post office box in Healdsburg, evidently Cartwright's institute address.
Finally able to get the book through an Internet out-of-print book site, Ben set about reading the book and found it fascinating. Medard Boss, an American psychoanalyst, had gone to India in the early 1960s to lecture at various Indian medical institutions. While there, Boss had stumbled on some genuine Perennialist teachers. He had spent a good deal of time discussing psychiatric, psychological, and philosophical issues with these teachers.
Many of the ideas in the book fascinated Ben. He began to take copious notes and compiled a long list of the passages he thought were most significant.
Ben could see why Cartwright had suggested the Boss book. The Indian sages recorded in the book spoke of ultimate reality as "the one great, fundamental luminating, arising and opening-up occurrence . . . the opening-up which lets everything arise or come-into-being." The strong undertone of Perennialism was unmistakable.
Ben sent off his analysis of Boss's book to Cartwright's associate. He included the passages which had most impressed him. He wondered if his analysis was correct, or if there were right or wrong answers in such a project. Ten days later he received a laconic note:
Dear Dr. Emerson:
If you would like to attend a Thursday evening session at the Institute, you would be welcome.
You also might want to review the current issue of the Perennial Tradition Website.
W. Tailor
|
Ben was very excited by the invitation and even though he was in the middle of a personality simulation study at ASTRA he decided he'd fly out to Healdsburg the next week to attend the Thursday session. He phoned Cartwright's institute and told them he would like to attend the next Thursday session.
He stayed in a different bed and breakfast inn this time, one on Dry Creek Road, closer to the institute. He arrived on Wednesday, so he had only one day to wait. He spent most of the day in his room, reviewing Cartwright's books. He did drive into the Healdsburg square and went into the bookstore that he'd visited before. He spoke to no one, just browsed, but when he was leaving the store he noticed that the store owner's name was on the front window: Wallace Tailor. He hadn't seen the name there before and he wondered if this was the W. Tailor who had sent him the note.
The Thursday evening session-- whatever that is, thought Ben--was held in the large meeting room Ben had seen when he first spoke to Cartwright, the room with the bewitching portrait. Several stained-glass lamps on chains hung from the exposed beams of the meeting room, casting a singular glow over the assembly. There were ten people positioned in a semi-circle around Cartwright, who sat with his back to the large fireplace.
Ben noticed that the bookstore owner was one of those in attendance. The group made room for Ben on the couch facing Cartwright. Ben realized that the group had been speaking together before he arrived. Another fellow, named Salik, arrived just after Ben. Without any noticeable signal from Cartwright, the people began to introduce themselves to Ben and Salik, using first names only.
When the introductions were completed, Cartwright began to speak.
"A man and a dog were riding in a cart drawn by a donkey. Suddenly, the donkey sat down and said in a strident tone, "I'm sick and tired of pullin' you two."
Cartwright glanced around the room at the attendees, then looked straight at Ben. "What do you think might happen next?"
Oh my God! I have no idea what answer he wants. Ben thought to himself. "Well, you might happen to explain to us what that one-line story means."
Cartwright looked at an attractive young lady who was sitting directly across from him. "Jamila, what do you think might happen next?"
"The dog might look at the man and say: 'I didn't know donkeys could talk.'"
"Brianna," Cartwright said to a young lady, "what do you think might happen?"
"The man might say to the donkey, 'You're tired of pulling us to where?"
A young man wearing a turban spoke up. "The man might get down from the cart and say: 'Yackety, yackety. All day long I have to listen to animals yacking."
A tall, attractive middle-aged lady who had introduced herself as Rumila, spoke up. "What might have happened next is that a genuine seeker might have been able to interpret the event in several different ways simultaneously, thus expanding a certain element in her mind."
Okay, so I'm incredibly stupid. Ben thought to himself. Why didn't I realize that the question was about what would happen next in the story." He felt terribly embarrassed.
After allowing several minutes to pass, Cartwright said, "now to our next item of work." He looked at Ben and then at Salik. "There are two persons here tonight who will speak in answer to a question. The question is: What is it you want?" Cartwright sat back in his chair, smiling pleasantly.
Whoa, Ben thought to himself. Then, to avoid second-guessing the question, he spoke. "I would like to study with you."
Cartwright then looked at Salik who spoke immediately. "Though I do not know it," Salik said, "I am greedy to have the reputation of a serious spiritual seeker."
And what does that mean, Ben mused to himself. He looked at Salik, wondering what he could be saying.
Cartwright sat forward and said to Ben, "What do you think of Salik's statement?"
Without allowing himself to hesitate, Ben replied, "If he doesn't know that he is merely greedy to be thought of as a serious spiritual seeker, then how can he say that he is greedy? If he is merely greedy then it would appear that he could not be a serious seeker at all."
Cartwright looked at Salik. "Salik, would you tell us a bit about Mr. Benjamin Emerson, beyond your interpretation of his real statement which you just made."
Wait a minute, Ben thought. What's this all about?
Without hesitation, Salik closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again and gave a comprehensive review of Ben's life, providing details about his family, his education, his marriage and divorce, and his present job. It was not embarrassingly personal, Ben realized, but more thorough than he could have imagined. He immediately suspected that Cartwright had assigned Salik to review his background.
Still looking at Salik, Cartwright said, "Have you researched Mr. Emerson's background? And have you ever met Mr. Emerson before tonight?"
"No," Salik said.
With that, Cartwright arose and smiled at the group. "I believe that will be all for this evening." He walked into his study and closed the door.
So, now what? Ben reflected. It appeared that everyone was leaving so he moved to the door and outside with the others. The entire group walked to their cars and drove off, saying goodbye to one another, but otherwise not talking about what had just happened. As he got to his rental car, Ben noticed Salik was just driving away.
On his flight back from SFO to Dulles airport, Ben reflected on what had occurred during the session. It seemed like a lot of trouble and a long and expensive trip with very little to show for it: a strange story and a demonstration of some sort by the person named Salik. He reflected on his assignment of an analysis of the book by Boss, wondering just what he was supposed to learn from this experience.
Over the next several weeks Ben continued to think about what to him had been very strange events of the Thursday evening meeting in Healdsburg, and he slowly began to see what had been occurring since he had met Cartwright. The realization shook Ben to his core.
What he discovered about himself was extremely unflattering, but it helped him to begin clearing away a tremendous amount of mental obstruction. He decided to write to Cartwright concerning his reflections and realizations.
I think I am beginning to see some of what has been going on with me. I should have been able to see myself through the book by Boss that I was assigned to analyze. Instead, similar to Boss himself, I merely picked out the concepts which excited me. I neglected to see any similarity between myself and Boss at all.
The experience at the Thursday evening session was to help me see who I am at present. Salik, unmistakably in a higher state of consciousness--as evidenced by his knowing my background without having studied it--was reflecting my state of consciousness, not his, when he described me as greedy for the reputation of being a serious spiritual seeker, even though I am not aware of this.
I have re-studied the book by Boss and this time can see that my present state of consciousness is precisely the same as his. Boss was eager to talk about deep philosophical and psychological concepts, but when he was made to wait to speak to a teacher, he became angry, believing that his dignity was being assailed. In his talks with the teachers he did not speak of himself, especially his presumptuousness, which would have been most important, but continually engaged the teachers in mere philosophical disputation. In reading the book this time I was amazed by Boss's impudence when speaking to a teacher who clearly had attained a higher state of consciousness.
Boss had written:"After returning home I still wondered why the teacher had treated me so shabbily when I first appeared at his house, making me wait for several hours. This teacher stood in the most unfavorable light in my own estimation. I still wondered why he felt he had the right to test his visitors on the honesty and sincerity of their thirst for knowledge."
I now see that my first experience in Healdsburg was precisely the same as Boss's; I was made to wait and felt it as a great affront to my personal dignity. I realize that, like Boss, I have been primarily interested in "getting" some new insights, not making the personal changes that would be necessary for a serious spiritual search. I have come to realize that my present state, relative to a spiritual search, is predominantly one of greed, wanting to discover unusual truths and experience super-normal states of awareness for my own ego-gratification.
I am continuing to study your writings in an effort to move beyond this state of greed to a state in which it would be appropriate for me to study with you.
Ben Emerson
|
