"As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
I've got a little list, I've got a little list...
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs -
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat - ...
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All centuries but this, and every country but his own... ...
They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed!"

W.S. Gilbert

     This chapter, you'll notice, does not come at the end of your Book. Similarly, Dismissal should not be at the End of your Programme - but at the Beginning. Here's the Esoteric Meaning under those words.

      During the initial Programme Orientation with each student, begin by Threatening him with Dismissal if she doesn't shape up, follow instructions word-perfect, and pay on time. Threatening at the beginning gives the student the unmistakable impression that you don't really need him or even want her as a student, that he's going to be on constant probation, and that those Allowed to remain are the Elect. The Dismissal Theme makes the customer feel it's a rare privilege to be in your Programme, that you would never stoop to Encourage her to remain.

      Put some teeth in this Dismissal ploy by picking one of the stupidest, most recalcitrant students who is already three months behind in his study fee. You know he's just mooching off your Wisdom - and will never pay - so turn him to your own advantage. Announce gravely at a Teaching Event that So-and-So is, as of that moment, Dismissed! (Make sure, by the way, that So-and-So is present.)

Allow the Unbearable Embarrassment of this barbarism to permeate all the students. Announce the Dismissal in a tone indicating that you are not to be trifled with, that your Programme is Deadly Serious, and that you are unmoved by Ordinary Sympathy. Have one of your disciples give a roll of the Centrum drum, personally rip off the epaulettes from the Outcast's robe, and show him the door.

      That should terrorize your other disciples into groveling at your feet, asking to be allowed to remain. For a week or two the Centrum will sparkle, your meals will once more be warm, and your boots will be polished without your putting it on the To Do list on the bulletin board.

      However, with the material you get these days in students, they will soon forget old So-and-So's Ignominious End, and return to their slovenly, self-satisfied patterns. Fortunately (or unfortunately) your Programme will provide constant material for this Dismissal gimmick.

      An effective variation on the first Dismissal theme is the Post-Mortem Dismissal. Some loathsome student will always be leaving your fold. No matter what you do, no matter how often you say you don't care if he leaves, no matter how often you pretend to encourage her to leave, some damned student will leave in spite of your best efforts. Don't despair, just go to the Post-Mortem Plan B ploy. If you can't dismiss an errant student preemptively (because they beat you to the punch and leave before you can humiliate them), then dismiss them Posthumously. Announce that So-and-So, who just left - and spread false rumors of leaving on her own volition - was actually Dismissed by you.

      Unfortunately, I have had one or two instances when a student hid his perfidy from me and announced in a public Programme meeting that he was leaving because he no longer had confidence in the teacher. What I recommend in such a case is Shouting at the traitor that he only thinks he's leaving - that he's actually being Dismissed.

      This leaves a not altogether favorable impression in the other student's heads, so I follow up with an Excommunication Denouncement - read aloud by the Chief Disciple. In it I refer to all the qualities in my remaining students which particularly exasperate me. The Denouncement traces the Excommunicant's evil career from the first infection of Disbelief, through Apostasy, into Doubt, and ending in Disrespect.

      Your students then assume that you knew all along that So-and-So was a Bad Seed; that out of your Infinite Mercy you Kept Trying to Save Him, but that the Devil finally Got his Soul as you had so astutely prophesied. Encourage the other students to condemn the fallen Sinner, heaping calumny on his head and shoulders.

      Yes, these are far from perfect gambits, but better than letting disciples drop out without using their treachery to some good purpose. No one must ever leave your Programme; they must be Dismissed!

      To give Substance and an air of Horror to your Dismissal gambit, post a List of Transgressions which result in Immediate Excommunication. List them more or less in order of the heinousness of the iniquity, as in my Programme List:

• Venial Sin (Worst): Putting toilet paper in holder so it unrolls under and away from instead of over and toward

• Mortal Sin: Correcting your Guru's English

• Unthinkable Reprobation: Wearing unmatched socks

• Depraved Dissoluteness: Eating the cookie dough your Guru was saving for himself.

      Finally, lest Dismissal disturb your Image as a Kindly Guru, always Excommunicate someone by handing them this soothing note as they step off the porch of the Centrum for the last time:

You have Delighted us long enough.