Early on I had best set you straight as to your place in society and the world. Many gurus run amuck because they never locate themselves in the Scheme of Things, thinking they can change the world or bring about some Millennial Intervention.

I well remember the night that it first came to me - or I to it - as to what was my role in the Cosmic Tragi-Comedy. I was sitting in an all-night bus station not drinking coffee. Since then I have never wondered again as to who I am or where I fit into Life.

First, what is a guru not? He is not a revolutionary, a social critic, or even a student of culture. Keep your hands - and your mind - out of social problems. Your place is in the great Spiritual-Ontological World. What you teach should have nothing to do with man's ordinary life. Even if you're lecturing about economics or politics or computer programming it has to involve Metaphysically-inspired Economics or Divine Intervention into Politics, or Computer Programming with Higher Beings.

Once you've established your guru practice in a community, get to know people. There's no better way than joining one of the civic organizations: Rotary, Optimists, League of Women Voters, Weight Watchers, or JAVA Special Interest Group. Avoid the extremists, for example, the Chamber of Commerce or the Audubon Society. You want to appear patriotic without being thought jingoistic; decent, not fanatic; above average, not below; a nice, normal guru, not a Weirdo.

Those are things you're not. Now, what are you? You're a person plying a trade that is not yet quite respectable, so you face a Challenge. Even your certificated, degreed, and licensed competitors - the psychiatrists, university professors, ex-government officials-ex-lobbyists- now-speaking-for-hire people - are somewhat suspect in this hard-bitten, no-nonsense, materialist culture. So if they've got three strikes against them, think how many you have! If a president gets criticized for sexually molesting a woman when he's just having some fun, if a large food cartel gets fined a hundred million for rigging prices, imagine how long it will be before a guru will be accepted as a normal person. But times are a'changin' - as we say - so do your bit to make the guru game respectable, popular, and lucrative. This society only respects the successful operator, so learn to Operate. Here are some guide-lines and ground-rules.

Never give the slightest hint of being a charlatan. Your advertisements should have taste, finesse, and Pizzazz. Blare just enough to catch the dull, omnibombarded reader, but not too much to offend the sensitivity of the Already Established. (Who therefore don't have to blare since they've already got the System conditioning people to think they can't live without their product or service.)

As I write, I have before me a somewhat tasteless example of a spiritual-cultural ad.

USE YOUR SPIRITUAL POWER TO GAIN LOVE AND SEX (Below this is a drawing of a man with three women in his arms, while others clamor for his attention. The unsuspecting customer is lured with these words.) Lonely One, Do you sit forlorn at night, wishing for companionship with the opposite sex? You can find love and sexual fulfillment. Many people have, by following our: SECRET OF SEXUAL ATTRACTION THROUGH SPIRITUAL DYNAMIC. You can have your share of women (or men). We now offer you the new and thoroughly tested booklet: SPIRITUAL POWER IS SEXUAL DYNAMITE on an absolute money-back guarantee. No questions asked if you return it. Could anything be fairer? ********************* SPECIAL OFFER ********************* Next day shipping (while offer lasts) only $39.99 for booklet and begin to find satisfaction and fulfillment. SPIRITUAL POWER IS SEXUAL DYNAMITE has been selling for $52.50. Send today for this Special Offer.

One wonders how the public is mulcted by such blatant quackery. You can learn a lot by studying such an ad. Your ads should be of EXACTLY the same sort, only a bit more subdued. The ad shows savvy and a keen sense of seducing the customer. After such high praise for the ad, where should it have been more subdued? The title, of course. "Dynamite" is an intrinsically offensive word in any spiritual-cultural ad, because of its connection with war. So I would soften the name of the booklet to: Sexual Potency Through Spiritual Vigor. Otherwise the ad should stand as is.

The Spiritualistic/Religious/Psychological/Political/ Economic Establishment is going to be suspicious of you. Understandably; no one likes competition. A ploy I recommend is sending your disciples (dressed in their Sunday best clothes) to the various churches, synagogues, temples, ashrams, and city council meetings on a rotating basis. Instruct them to notify the person in charge, as they leave, that they are students of yours. But here is the crucial point: They are never to try to explain what you are. Merely: "I am pleased to be a student with Doctor Professor Doctor Livergood." They should refer to you, apart from your name, in vague terms such as: leader, director, or guide; and speak of your teaching in even vaguer terms: ancient wisdom, higher economics, or The Great Game.

This gambit does three things (at least). It lets your competition think that you are somewhat sympathetic to their scam, or you wouldn't expose your disciples to it. They can also see that you're not running some kind of hippie commune or radical political group. In fact they'll see, from your badly-groomed, socially inept disciples, that you're providing the public service of rehabilitating drop-outs and failures. And finally, it may drum up some business for you. Encourage your disciples to talk to people at these gatherings - but always with a studied reticence about you or your teaching. Impress on your disciples that anyone who shows the least interest in your Teaching should be proselytized immediately back to you.

Another thing this does is to show that you yourself are quite above attending anything outside your System. It gives the distinct yet indirect impression that it's one thing to Allow your disciples to be subjected to the foolishness of a workshop on Total Quality Control or an Episcopal prayer service, say, but that your time is much too precious to be so wasted.

As soon as your practice is fairly large, begin giving public dinners and programs. The first several of these should be free - to bring in the marks. Always invite the mayor, or a councilperson, or at least, some eccentric millionaire who likes to give speeches. Advertise these programs with tasteful, blaring hand-bills and posters.

This brings us to the matter of an official name for your Programme. There must always be at least two names for whatever you do - one which you use with your disciples and one you announce publicly. Explain to your students that not every one can understand the Subtle Essence of your Teaching,¹ so the masses must be given a name they think they understand. Study current fads in names carefully. People are now running to combinations of science and spirituality, such as: Organization for Noetic Disciplines, Institute for the Study of Psychic Warfare, and Human Growth Potential Co-op.

Don't rush in choosing a name - it can mean the difference between success and failure. Recommended: Hermetic Quicksilver Foundation, Association for the Establishment of Better Spiritual Relations Between Planets, or INS (acronyms are particularly popular right now).

Next in your Community Relations ploy, begin to hob-nob with the booboisie. By joining a civic club, you stand a chance of being invited to speak. This is your Chance to explain your Programme to the Public in carefully-guarded, disguised, captivating terms - and perhaps score a few customers.

So now we must study the all-important matter of the Guru as Speaker. Rule number one: study your audience and the occasion. You are speaking to the Kiwanis Club at a luncheon. Include these elements in your presentation (always call it a presentation to such a group):

• a humorous joke having to do with some obscure point in the history of the organization which you looked up in the library
• an indication that you appreciate the invitation to speak, but were just barely able to squeeze it into your busy schedule
• a promise to speak for a shorter time than most speakers they must tolerate
• a tour de force proving that your Teaching Programme is actually the Essence behind every religious, political, or social prejudice they possess.

Rule number two: Always quit speaking on time. This gives several impressions:

• that you have immense mental control, to cut off your fascinating speech just as you were warming up
• that you are sympathetic with the listener, hence "one of the guys"
• that you are a man of your word.

Rule number three: Always end with a pithy quote, and always inform your audience that you are about to end. The quote is absolutely the only part of your speech that anyone will remember. So give them something to remember you by. Recommended pithy quotes:

• Some people would be enormously improved by death.
  
  
• Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

No matter how much you speak at civic clubs, or how often your disciples attend public meetings, your guru practice still needs more publicity. Find something impressive and ostentatious you can do to keep in the public's eye. For example, arrange with the city council for your disciples to maintain the minuscule plot surrounding the city name sign in the public square. The name of your Programme on the front and back of your disciples' tunics will provide powerful, free advertising as they toil away.

¹ This will make your students assume that they can understand, that they are on the Inside.